By Nurse Mattie Melin

It is daunting to write an article as someone new to the parish. I wanted to start with something that is close to my heart. I was blessed to walk with my grandfather through his dying process. He had dementia. I was also planning a wedding and leaning heavily on my mom for support. He was dependent and relying heavily on my mom for support. Her mother–my grandmother–was overwhelmed, grieving, and was relying heavily on my mom for support. A theme became clear to me–my mom was a support system of one for many. 

In Atul Gawande’s book “Being Mortal,” he describes this scenario as one growing in commonality. People are living longer, healthcare has gotten more daunting, and children are leaving the nest later and later. There are some beautiful things about these changes. Intergenerational relationships are able to be formed, children are given more time and freedom to plan their lives, illnesses and diseases that were once a death sentence are now treatable. With these beautiful things comes new challenges and the emergence of the term “The Sandwich Generation.” The phenomena of individuals caring for aging relatives in addition to children. 

1) Establish your boundaries (be realistic)- Be realistic with your time and energy and be firm in establishing your boundaries. In order to be effective at helping others you need to have to care for yourself. This allows you to “put your oxygen mask first” and to keep breathing when things get hard. 

2) Be Present- In the act of “doing” it can be difficult to remember that the act of “being” can be just as meaningful. At the end of the day the love between you and your loved one is at the core of what you are doing. Don’t be afraid to take a step back from the “doing” to dwell in the love.  

3) Lean on your community- Once you express your vulnerability it is incredible to see how much support is available. If you can lean on others to help you when you are feeling overwhelmed that frees you to focus on what you can bring that no one else can. 

4) Have tough conversations now- Ask your parents what their wishes are and encourage honest conversations between you and your parents and you and your children. Atwl Gawande gives us these questions to start the conversation: 

• What is it that makes life worth living for you? 
• If you could no longer do those things what action would you want taken? 
• What are your goals and what support do you need to achieve them? 
• What are your concerns with your health? 
• What are your current concerns with your living situation? 

Listening to what your loved one wants takes the onus off of you to be “making” the decisions and allows you to partner with them to fulfil their autonomy. You should also think about these questions and communicate them with your loved ones to ensure they don’t have to struggle to help you someday without a roadmap.

5) Give yourself grace- There is no perfection in parenting, in the dying process, in healthcare, in life. Allow yourself to acknowledge that you may not have all the tools at your disposal to be everything to everyone and that’s okay. Give yourself the permission to be wrong, to be vulnerable, and to accept that sometimes things are out of your control. 

The road is not an easy one, but I encourage you to find the beauty in the present and to keep love at the core of everything you do.